The grass is greener on holi breyers neapolitan ice cream

You’ve just celebrated holi, which means that as soon as you stepped out of the house, numerous people, including the watchman who secretly hates you because you don’t seem to understand that his job involves six hours of sleeping, leapt toward you in a haze of magenta and green with the banal, ‘madam, bura na maano holi hai.’

If that wasn’t bad enough, some strange creature probably rubbed your face with that very special oil colour so that you have to spend the next week trying to match pinstriped office shirts to the iridescent blue on your left cheek.

Of course things get really ugly when people trade balloons for tomatoes and eggs. An eye for an eye is a famous idiom, but an unfortunate relative ended up with an eye for an egg after such an exchange a few years ago.

Colour, water, balloons, harassing strangers, all these are quintessentially holi but there is another ingredient which makes it a truly high-ranking holiday, and that is bhang.Bludgeon brain size


Two years ago, we spent the festival of colours at a cousin’s house up in the mountains. Her mother, while chomping on kachoris, was trying to explain the rituals around holi to her american guest, ‘mind-altering substances are very much part of our indian culture, how else do you think the ancient rishis dreamed up all our 3,300 gods if it wasn’t with the help of some good old bhang?’

Despite the copious amounts of bhang that our systems will process this weekend, the fact remains that cannabis is still illegal in india. Which brings us to the mystery of why we don’t end up in jail with our balam pichkaris in tow.

Well, there is a legal loophole, states an article in the wall street journal, going on to explain that though it is illegal to grow the cannabis plant and consume certain parts of it, namely the resin and the flowers, the leaves can be harvested from the wild. I do think you have to be slightly bombed to understand how that actually makes any sense.Bludgeon brain

Though sometimes I do have vague dreams about moving to goa and becoming a pothead at the ripe old age of 70, at this point, I am a mere potterhead preferring rowling to rolling. ‘I like the neurotic me. I won’t recognise myself if I get stoned and all calm,’ I said to a dear friend, who retorted, ‘and do you recognise yourself when you use the other “legal” drug, alcohol? Haven’t you heard that quote by south africa’s julius malema, “I have seen a lot of people smoke it, and read and not have any problems. But I have never seen people drink alcohol and read books afterwards”.’

I replied, ‘fair point, but listen at least stop growing it on your farm buddy, otherwise your picture will soon be neatly framed at panvel police station.’

‘arre, no incriminating evidence left now,’ he laughed, going on to explain that a goat ate all his cannabis plants last week and then promptly dropped dead. ‘it’s not because of weed but greed,’ he insisted, looking at my alarmed face.Baba ramdev ‘if you eat three family packs of ice-cream and then get diarrhoea should I blame baskin robbins or your gluttony? But you are right, growing it is a pain, you know, abroad there are online suppliers like ganja express which are happy to drop off a box of weed at your doorstep,’ he sighed.

Medicinal use of marijuana is lawful in many countries with sales in the US touching nearly $10 billion last year. And even our own home-grown baba ramdev thinks cannabis should be legalised in india. At a recent tedx event, patanjali CEO acharya balkrishna stated, ‘research is already on. It has been found that much of it is good for health. But, toxic parts, like THC, need to be removed from cannabis oil.’

Cannabis has been called ‘the penicillin’ of ayurvedic medicine but it also has the support of conventional medical practitioners. Oncologist dr vishal rao told this very paper, “we are encouraging cultivation of tobacco that causes various types of cancer.Bludgeon brain but, we are ignoring the medicinal properties of a plant that can help cancer patients.”

Legalising medicinal marijuana may perhaps be worthwhile. Aside from the fact that it will make patanjali a few more billions, there are numerous studies on pubmed that show all sorts of benefits, from alleviating nausea to shrinking tumours.

I never thought that that I would be on the same page as baba ramdev but then I guess neither did the young priya varrier before there were a hundred memes comparing her famous wink to the godman’s.

Twinkle khanna aka mrs funnybones crafts satirical stories and funny fables when she is not running a design business, selling candles or running in circles around her small but rather odd family. She narrowly escaped a gruesome tragedy when bollywood tried to bludgeon her brain to the size of a pea, but she ducked at the right moment and escaped miraculously unharmed; she is now a popular columnist as well and is currently in the process of creating lame jokes like ‘ why do all hindu boys worship their mother?Bludgeon brain size because their religion tells them to worship the cow.’ she firmly believes that nothing in life is sacred except laughter. (not even her name, which she is secretly trying to change to chetali bhagat so that her columns get made into movies.)

Twinkle khanna aka mrs funnybones crafts satirical stories and funny fables when she is not running a design business, selling candles or running in circles around her small but rather odd family. She narrowly escaped a gruesome tragedy when bollywood tried to bludgeon her brain to the size of a pea, but she ducked at the right moment and escaped miraculously unharmed; she is now a popular columnist as well and is currently in the process of creating lame jokes like ‘ why do all hindu boys worship their mother? Because their religion tells them to worship the cow.’ she firmly believes that nothing in life is sacred except laughter. (not even her name, which she is secretly trying to change to chetali bhagat so that her columns get made into movies.)