We lost our minds trying to understand celebrities’ oscar night pooping secrets huffpost bbq chicken marinades recipes

You see, we’re both the special kind of people for whom anxiety manifests in the belly and out the butt. If we were to one day be nominated for an academy award, we predict the hours leading up to our category’s announcement would be spent swishing elegantly in and out of stalls. At the oscars ― where we’d presumably be plucked, buffed, painted, poured into heavy-duty spanx ― this sounds like quite the hassle. Imagine: you’ve never smelled better, had smaller pores or looked more like aphrodite rising from the ocean foam on a giant oyster shell, and all you can think about is answering that most animal of urges.

And sure, maybe celebrities can whisk discreetly to the academy restroom and unloose their bowels. But for hollywood’s most glamorous starlets, who often wear tight and complicated dresses with voluminous skirts over architectural undergarments, even peeing can be an acrobatic task.

Bryce dallas howard once “joked” on the red carpet that she wouldn’t be drinking any water during the ceremony so that she wouldn’t have to deal with her dress during a pee break .Smooth move haha, performing femininity requires denying your body things it needs to live!

First, weeks before the awards , we emailed every famously outspoken star we could think of, with the hope they’d answer our brazen query: do you take any preemptive measures to ensure you won’t poop at the oscars? To our chagrin, most of the supposedly “down-to-earth” celebrities we emailed did not respond. Dame helen mirren, jennifer lawrence, meryl streep and chrissy teigen never got back to us. In fact, only fred specktor, mirren’s agent at CAA, responded to us, kindly advising us to “ask stan rosenfield,” an LA-based PR veteran who also represents the dame. Rosenfield did not return our emails, but according to his twitter bio, he’s “a person of few words,” so that fits.

We live in a colonic- and cleanse-friendly culture in which even image-conscious superstar beyonce has admitted to flushing out her system with the master cleanse ― a 10-day diet consisting only of homemade lemonade meant to eliminate waste in the body ― before a big event (“dreamgirls”).Smooth move as one brave health writer who tried the cleanse attested, “eliminate waste” is “basically a fancy way of describing water-like diarrhea.” so what are cleanses and colonics, really? Sadistic rituals meant to remove bloating, i.E., accumulated waste, i.E. Poop.

We asked five nutritionists if our theory sounded plausible and not one seemed quite convinced. Nutrifit founder jackie keller said she didn’t know anything about “this stupidity about celebrities taking laxatives” before awards shows . Herbalist zoe kissam of traditional medicinals (makers of the popular senna-based tea smooth move) seemed disconcerted at the mere suggestion. “unless you are occasionally constipated, this is not the tea I would recommend before an event,” she advised. “I would be concerned if someone on the red carpet said they drank smooth move.”

There are real risks to smooth move, kissam warned us. Apparently, because senna stimulates colon contractions, too-frequent consumption of the herb can make you dependent on it to stay regular.Jennifer lawrence as a safer alternative to routine flushing, she suggested dandelion tea, a diuretic with a mild laxative effect. According to shape magazine, jennifer lawrence drinks dandelion tea before the oscars! Doesn’t it just sound so light and airy? A diaphanous BM blowing in the breeze. Had we made a breakthrough?

After three weeks (!) of investigating, having gained no clarity from the bizarro rituals of celebrity cleansing, we feared we were no closer to our original goal: the truth about stars’ oscar night pooping secrets . With celebrity sources (including jennifer lawrence) consistently failing to come through (except that nanny coordinator, she’s a hero), we turned to that deepest well of truth, the internet. We pored through “get her red carpet body” photo spreads online and trawled reddit, where tireless moderators repeatedly deleted our celebrity poop questions in forums like r/stupidquestions and r/nostupidquestions .Smooth move we covered blackboards with our findings, leaving messages like “flat earthers?”, “reddit conspiracy?”, “LAXATIVE TEAS!” and “is celebrity poop really just a light drizzle?” in conference rooms throughout our office building.

One week before the big day, we adjusted our diets and bathroom regimens to best mimic what we’d gleaned about those of image-conscious celebrities prior to a big awards show. Both of us based our diets on the recommendations of “nutritionist to the stars” oz garcia , with slight adjustments: claire subsisted on a clean diet of lean protein and leafy greens while drinking dandelion tea at night, much like academy award-winning superstar jennifer lawrence. Priscilla opted for a healthy vegetarian diet without dairy or processed grains. She also dosed herself with smooth move tea on tuesday evening, hoping this would give her ample time to recover while still remaining an empty vessel, bowel-wise.Celebrity poop

We tried to go further, in the name of truth, by getting all the excrement flushed out of us by a hose-wielding professional. “we do get a lot of celebrities and models that get colonics prior to an event, runway and photoshoot,” manhattan colonic purveyor fluid water therapy told huffpost. In theory, this is to cut down on bloat ― but again, bloat and poop essentially cover the same territory. Our editors, unconvinced by this airtight logic, rejected our expense requests to put the luxury poop removal treatment to the test.

Some might say we learned nothing on our journey to the center of the colon, but those people would be full of shit. We learned, for example, that spanx definitely don’t have a poop-hole. We learned that eating kale and drinking dandelion tea will definitely make you poop, but that the poop will simply keep coming. We learned that pooping remains weirdly taboo for an activity that every human being on earth does literally every day.Celebrity poop and we discovered that some celebrities are incredibly open and understanding when interrogated about their bathroom habits. Especially you, lucas hedges.

As the oscars approach, we urge you not to ignore the fundamental issue of whether or not celebrities are pooping during this historic event. Are they scarfing bananas that morning to keep things tight? Are they getting colonics the day before to remove the goop? Or are people just letting loose, when necessary, in the illustrious restrooms of the dolby (formerly kodak) theater, in between the awards for costume design and documentary feature? (we called the dolby theater and asked to speak to a bathroom attendant, hoping to get more insight from the closest thing to a firsthand witness, but they curtly declined to comment.)